Boredom Rut – Get it over

Relationships are tricky and messy; they can be equally fun and adventurous or monotonous and boring at times. Ever thought why does this happen? Are you ever curious about why you start losing interest in your partner? Why your passion for one another fades away?

If this is the case, try to figure out the difference between two major things, first is, falling out of love and second is the boredom that is often embedded in relationships. The feeling of disinterest can arise after a passage of a reasonable amount of time where the relationship has reached a plateau when you get the sense that there is nothing more to explore about one another and you are in a comfort zone.

It is a point when you get comfortably trapped with each other. What you say and how you say something is important but at the same time, the words left unsaid are of significant importance in a relationship. People often don’t communicate their inner voice because of the fear of rejection, discomfort or confrontation. They are afraid that they might end up fighting with each other but forget that the unsaid words will give rise to negative elements within the brain.

A lack of communication can affect you thinking, give rise to biased opinions, and you might start avoiding conversations with a fear that you could end up saying something hurtful to your partner. Not engaging yourself in a conversation will keep your issues intact, in place and unresolved, so address the boredom you are experiencing before it is too late.

Ever heard of the term ‘Boredom Rut’? It can be a reason for your not-so-happy relationship that it used to be. It is a phase of having the same repetitive schedule every day, where your enticing honeymoon phase ends, and the comfort phase begins. You may be in love for a long time. But at some point in your love life, you might wonder if you are happy in your relationship! It can happen now or later, but it is inevitable if you fail to communicate your feelings.

 What are the reasons that get you comfortably trapped with each other?

The monotony of everyday life schedule generally drives away the couple’s excitement. You already know how the day of your partner begins and how it ends, it is completely predictable and you exactly know what you two are going to do with each other every day of the week. It is often said that you need to take the time to fall in love; do not rush into a relationship or else the foundation of your relationship could remain fragile.

Also, when it comes to sharing lives, people often don’t trust their partner with it, rather they seek someone who is more receptive to them, and it could be someone from the office, the gym, or a place you go to on your own. I could be someone with whom you feel some emotional connection and affinity. It may feel like a good fit.

When you stop sharing things with each other, it brings about a halt to the conversation. Silence is louder as you choose not to speak. In earlier stages of your love life that was never a problem.

Boredom can also be initiated with thoughts like I was happier when I was single, you start missing being single.  It can also come as a result of making comparisons. The fun you first felt dissipates, and your relationship becomes fragile.

We are always surrounded by people around us, we meet new people, get to know them, some show interest in us, and that’s when you start comparing your partner with other people out there. This is something you must stop this type of behaviour because it could completely ruin your relation. Instead, accept your partner in for his/her unique personality.

How to rescue your relationship from the boredom rut?

Long term relationships depend on a few key factors such as being affectionate to one another, thinking positively about each other, thinking about each other when they’re apart, sharing new and challenging activities and staying happy in both their individual and shared lives.

Sounds good? – The reality can be a little different to what you might expect. In reality, no relationship experience is pure bliss all the time. There comes the point when you start to get a feeling being stuck or trapped; this is the time when you need to address the boredom before it gets too late.

Prioritise your partner

A person needs to be loved and felt wanted all the time and not just sometimes. At various points in a relationship, it might difficult to do this, due to business with other things going on in your life. It could be friends, work, family or hobbies. Make an effort to make your partner feel special and loved. Celebrate little things in your lives; get some time off to explore your hobbies, try new exciting things together. Make an effort to keep your relation alive; it is a must.


We live in an era where communication is faded. Text, emails and other media platforms have shoved face-to-face communication out of the door. If, for any reason, you are facing problems in your relationship and your needs are not being fulfilled then talk to your partner about your feelings. Talk about your bond and the issues that are going on, tell them how their behaviours are making you feel.

If you both are still in love, the other would understand, and you can collectively take action to do something about it. Changing behaviours is not changing you. You don’t have to love the behaviour to love the person.   Don’t let your love and affection get faded. Show your partner how much you love them through your actions just as much as your words. Dr Gary Chapton states that there is a unique language of love that give couples a better understanding of each other. Practice this language and you will see powerful results. There are different types of relationships and knowing how to speak the language of love in different relationships will help you to be an excellent communicator.

Experiment with intimacy

I was coaching a couple recently where the male had strayed into the arms of another woman. He had traded his comfortable life for a relationship outside of his marriage. As they tried to mend the relationship they both realised that they had stopped being intimate. The challenge was to work on getting back their love relationship. Some of the things you can do are to 1) Create a to-do list of the activities you will do together 2) visualise a harmonious and satisfying relationship with your partner. 3) Think of what a revitalised relationship would look like and feel like. 4) Think of the words and actions you would communicate to your partner 5) Toss out the idea that spontaneous sex is the only way to have good sex. 6) Remember that sex is an activity; love is exposing the heart to another person.  There is power in touch. In some cultures, people use different ways to express their affection, therefore its ok to show your affection as long as it does not violate decency in public places.

Learn to Love Again

Miss those old days when your love life was much passionate and adventurous? Then why not recreate the love, curiosity, adventure and passion you once had for one another. Don’t be afraid to be adventurous.  So if you are experiencing boredom but you are not falling out of love, give it a shot, don’t give up, and learn to love again.

Seek External Help

Don’t be embarrassed to seek external help from a relationship advisor. You can always call and talk to us. Remember that all relationships are not worth saving, some aren’t just compatible. Any physical or emotional abuse is not acceptable. Also, relationship satisfaction is tied to personal life satisfaction, so the happier a person is in general; the happier they’re likely to be within a given relationship.  Don’t rely on a partner to make your life great but work to make your life great. Be intentional about getting out of the boredom rut.